In this darkness I find that I am but a flame that flickers in the wind.

Fragile I am.

Alone I know I am not.

At my core a blistering blue hue burns. My soul.

It encases me. Protects me. But slowly melts from me. It shows my age and reveals stories long forgotten. It is what makes me beautiful and strong.

My life.

In this darkness I find that I am but a flame that flickers in the wind.

And the sole pirate sets sail to the land of the Mysterious and Misplaced. Not knowing the hardships he must face, nor the challenges of the land, without distress, nor fear, he treaded into troublesome waters. He arrived at the land in dismay, but content. He looked at his surroundings: the grey-blue water that encompassed him, the alluring land that lay in front, the mountains sitting hauntingly in the distance, and the sandy floor that stood beneath him. He gazed at the sand, and the intricate pieces of rock destroyed by the ever waking sea. Beside of him he picked up a small twig, and with grace wrote the reason for why he has traveled….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GABE!

-You have been plundered by Captain Phil… savvy?

She left the land of eternal bliss so that she may come down and savor this.

“Earth is beautiful from a distance,” she had said, “but nothing compares to being there.”

But that was years ago, as you can see. Long before the forest she loved was hacked to bits and made into some firewood. Long before the animals that roamed far and wide to find her perished from this earth forever more. Long before man ever learned her name, and now forgotten it.

But still she sits atop her stone fountain in the opening of the wood that she found ever so intriguing those many years ago. The hands of time have caressed her and eroded her beauty and her grace, but never will she complain.

Upon her chipped finger a robin will forever perch and together they will sing a sweet, sad song filled with infinite silence and untold wisdom.

And no matter what happens to this place, she will always see in it its original beauty, the beauty that tempted her from the land of eternal bliss all those many years ago.

He is the Infamous Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp, and I, Maniac Gone Awry, found him!

For days, I trudged through the swamp, upturning rocks and trees, stopping only to ask the wildlife where I might found the Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp.

Few new where to direct me. Others dare speak his name. But one brave soul spoke loudly.

“Lady, he is over there!”

Turning ever so slowly to the right, I looked, and BEHOLD!!! There he sat! Amongst the green I would have never seen him. He cocked his head and looked at me, a smirk lingering on his face.

“You have found me Maniac Gone Awry, although I have tried valiantly to avoid you these past several days,  Since you have found me, I shall grant you two wishes.”

“Two wishes?”

“What do I look like, a genie?”

“Well, no, not really, but two wishes? That’s a little bit cheap, don’t you think?”

“Maniac, your first wish. I do not have all day.”

“Fine, I wish for three wishes.”

“Granted, you have two more.”

“Oh, you cheap bastard.”

“Was that a wish?”

“No! That was not a wish!!”

“Second wish then, Maniac.”

“I wish to be sane.”

“I’m sorry, no wish can grant that. You are too much of a maniac. Third wish.”

“Third wish? You said it could not be granted.”

“Well, I didn’t know that until I tried to grant it.”

“You cheap bastard.”

“Was that another wish?”

“No! Do you not listen??”

“Very carefully, Maniac.”

“Alright, my third and final wish . . . I wish . . . I don’t know, what would you wish?”

“Hmmm, for you Maniac, I would wish that Mork and Mindy would come on for another season.”

“That’s brilliant! Yes, that is what I wish.”

“Granted.”

And like that he vanished into the green foliage, and I never found him again.

As for Mork and Mindy, Nick at Nite followed through. Reruns, but another season.

That cheap bastard.

It is popular belief, or rather a popular fact, that Kudzu was a gift from the Japanese to stop erosion, but as you can clearly see here, the Japanese simply had a long term plan. One of my sources said it went something like this:

“The American’s are far too lazy, and stupid – the Kudzu will get them eventually – and when it does – America is ours.” [Insert Insane Laughter]

Or maybe, just maybe, it is just nature slowly exacting its toll, one poor bench at a time. As you can tell, the pretty bench is losing the battle to the forever feared Japanese War Plant – Kudzu.

Word to the wise – don’t sit anywhere too long or else the Kudzu will creep up behind you and take its wicked revenge out on your sad, poor soul.

***This message has been edited due to strong language that may have been offensive to some.***

To quote the beautiful flower:

“For all who believe that beauty is perfection, screw you, and your fat, ugly mother too!”

Go ahead. Gasp. The pretty flower shocked me too. Who would have guessed he/she had such an attitude?

I surely wouldn’t have.

In a valiant attempt to create world peace, Chief Keppezoff of the Green Grass Glades tribe spoke loudly unto his people,(for they were fighting among themselves at said given moment), “When all else fails – build fence!”

The tribesmen, startled by such insight and wisdom, dropped their pick axes, walked into the forest that they could not see for the trees, and proceeded to collect the timber that would undoubtedly fix all their and the world’s problems.

And we all know why of course. Fences Make Good Neighbors. At least according to the famed Robert Frost they do. But as Chief Keppezoff later told me, it was him that gave Frost the idea that later turned into the poem we’ve all heard a gazillion times. How Frost ever came across Chief Keppezoff is beyond me. I guess poets just like to walk.

Well, as you can imagine, thinking all of this such a novel idea, I just had to travel and meet with this great Chiefton, and find out if he had any other phrases of wisdom to share with the world. As you can tell by looking out your window, (Go ahead, take a peek.) the world is in some need of some help.

After arriving, and going through all of the welcome ceremonies (it took 5 days) the Chiefton and I sat down and had a little chat.

Chief Keppezoff: World peace not yet solved.
Maniac Gone Awry: No. Not yet, sir.
CK: I have better idea.
MGA: What is that, sir?
CK: Trees!
MGA: Trees, sir?
CK: Trees stop violence! Make people happy!

And as you can expect, at that great burst of insight and wisdom, all the tribesmen ceased the building of their millionth fence and began preparing the soil for the forest they had long since harvested and could no longer see.

Morale of the story you ask?

Get lost in a forest, and you will die a happy man or woman?

Your guess is a good as mine.

I just interview the crazy loons. Don’t shoot the writer.

I know. I know. I am a very, very bad blogger and I should be ashamed of myself.

And I am.

But I have excuses. Real ones.

Seriously.

Life and my evil job have been hectic. I’ll go into details later, but I’ll tell you that it involves Satan, hundreds of Squirrels, a truck full of chocolate covered pecans, and a bottle of tequila. And well, one very long night.

Leaves you wanting more, doesn’t it? Thought so.

Well, with that I shall leave you. I’ve got to kill Satan, catch my nutty squirrels, who are driving under the influence of tequila whilst driving the truck full of chocolate covered pecans. I don’t believe I will be getting any sleep tonight.

Though the days of ancient Egyptians have passed, their pyramids still amaze our simple minds.

Hail, to the sun god Ra.

Though the days of the ancient Mayans have passed, their knowledge and their calender still baffle, but intrigue us.

When will the world end?

Though the days of modern man have come and gone, their architecture still stands upon on our lands. They are a symbol of a past we will never truly understand, like all of the great civilizations before us.

Will we be the last?

As I was tromping through the rain forest in Costa Rica last week, I came upon this very beautiful snake. Luckily, being fluent in Snake after my 4 year stint in the University of Hell, we were able to have quite a chat. I sat down under his tree and poured us both a glass of tea.

Maniac Gone Awry: So, what’s going on, Mr. Snake?
Snake: Nuttin much, just hanging around mon.
MGA: Do you always speak in a Jamaican accent?
Snake: As a matter a fact I do. That be where I from.
MGA: Well, how in the world did you end up here?
Snake: Hopped aboard a sailing ship, I did. Brought along my family for some travelin.
MGA: So you are just here on vacation?
Snake: Sure be! Beautiful ain’t it?
MGA: Very beautiful indeed. May I meet your family?
Snake: No, no, mon. They a shy bunch. Don’t like meetin no stranger you know.
MGA: I understand. So where will you be going next?
Snake: Can’t say I know. Maybe Brazil. Africa. Where you from, mon?
MGA: Columbia, South Carolina.
Snake: Can I hitch a ride with ya?
MGA: I’d say sure, but the only place for you would be the Zoo.
Snake: The ZOO???!!! Why I NEVER!!

And that was pretty much how our conversation ended. Mr. Snake was too worked up, couldn’t talk no more, so he slithered away. And I never met his wonderful family.