With my tummy satiated on lizard, I decided to travel further into the wilderness of Table Rock country. What I found was nothing short of a nightmare.

After hiking a considerable distance, and scaling a particularly steep granite rock, I accidentally stumbled upon a herd of hungry spiders.

Yes, I said spiders.

And to my unlucky astonishment they were not the small, squish with your foot variety.

No, I could never be that fortunate. But the again, if I was, I’d never have interesting stories to tell.

But anyway, back to the spiders at hand, or rather, ten times the size of my hand.

Frozen half in terror and half in awe, I thought about turning tail and running like hell, but then one of the Enormous Eight Legged Freaks turned one of his billion eyes in my general direction and spotted me.

Drat.

“Aww, lookie here, friends, we have a visitor.”

I had no idea I could understand Spider. They had never taught me that in The University of Hell.

“What? Me? No, I was . . . just . . . passing through. Don’t mind me,” I said as I turned to shimmied back down the way I had come.

“Oh, do not leave us Maniac Gone Awry, we have yet to speak to one another.”

I stopped.

“You . . . you . . . know my name?”

The biggest of the spiders began to approach me on his eight rather creepy legs.

“Maniac, you insult me. Of course I know your name. You are known far and wide around these parts. ”

“I am?”

“Now you insult yourself Maniac.”

“I’m . . . sorry.”

“No need to apologize, Maniac.”

I didn’t know what else to say – so I smiled.

“My name Maniac, is Borgous and this is my tribe. And we’re hungry.”

Gulp.

“We were going to split a lizard we spotted earlier, but it seems someone else got to him first.”

“I, uh, really?”

“Yes, Maniac. Someone did,” the monstrous spider grinned. “And now that we have lost our supper, we need to have it replaced.”

“Of course you do, Borgous.”

“That’s Mighty Borgous to you, Maniac.”

“Yes, Mighty Borgous. What do you suggest?”

“Well, you, unless you have another idea.”

Another gulp.

“Mighty Borgous, I’m really not that tasty. Not even a dash of salt could make me edible for any species – especially as one as great as yours.”

“And how would you know that.”

“Oh, it was published it Maniac Weekly last October.”

“And who was the author?”

“Well, um, me . . .”

“Oh really? What gives you such knowledge?”

“Simple. No one but me could be so knowledgeable about me. I know myself best.”

“Good point, I guess. But who or what else will my tribe and I have for dinner then if we cannot dine on you?”

“Well, Mighty Borgous, there is a path just over that ridge,” I said and pointed to where I knew the Table Rock path was. “Just go sit and wait over there. A traveler will appear before long. I promise.”

Mighty Borgous and his tribe deliberated and then bid me farewell, being sure to tell me that I was very lucky that a dash of salt would not make me an agreeable dinner. And on that note they marched toward the path I had pointed out.

Before long, as I walked in the opposite direction, I thought I heard the screams of innocent hikers, but perhaps it was the sound of some strange new species of bird I have yet to discover.

Yes, and that is what I will continue to tell myself after I watch the 11 o’clock news tonight. It was a bird. A strange and fascinating bird.

The Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp tried his best to avoid me for several weeks. He did the best a lizard could do, but I, Maniac Gone Awry, did better!

I got word from one of my contacts that he had been spotted in the upstate of South Carolina. So, as soon as Nick at Nite finished airing another rerun of Mork and Mindy, I took off after the cheap bastard. After all, he owed me at least one good wish, whether or not he wanted to give it to me.

I was half way up Table Rock Trail and rather out of breath when I saw him.

As pretty as could be, he was laying beside the mountain river, relaxing on a prepared pile of fallen leaves. Very carefully I tiptoed up behind him and placed my hand above his green lanky body. But before I could snatch him his eyes popped open and he spoke.

“Maniac, you really must find better ways to spend your time.”

“What?” He had caught me off guard.

“Imagine all the things you could have accomplished had you not been trying to find me.”

“That doesn’t matter. You owe me a wish. And a good one.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes. Yes, you do.”

“No. No, I don’t. You had your two wishes. I granted them.”

“Exactly, two wishes. What kind of idoit grants only two wishes?”

“I’m not an idiot, Maniac. And I told you that I was no genie. I am a lizard. The Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp and I only grant two wishes. That is just how it works. Take it or leave it.”

“But . . but . . . you . . . why in the hell am I arguing with you?! You’re just a lizard!”

And that is when I sorta went what they call a little psychotic.

By looking at the above picture you can only imagine how Mr. Lizard spent his last few minutes on beautiful planet Earth.

It was the most wonderful, fulfilling lunch I had ever eaten.

I came across a field of sunflowers mostly by chance the other day, and decided to investigate.

What I thought was a field of sunflowers ended up being a field of condominiums inhabited by a score of Monarch butterflies and a few rather menacing looking bumble bees.

They were all pretty perturbed at the fact that I was A) not invited, B) that I had not knocked(even though I swore that I had never seen a door), and C) that I was neither a Monarch butterfly or a bumble bee.

After much conversation about how rude I was, I convinced one of each species to pose for a picture. I assured them that I was a professional and that taking pictures of such beautiful creatures had been my calling. I don’t know if they believed me or not. Probably not.

Ms. Monarch came first, and she was a little shy. She demanded that I take her picture through her kitchen window. At first I argued this. I told her that I would not be able to capture her essence, but she wouldn’t allow any thing else. She said something about it not being proper with her being an unmarried Monarch and all or something to that effect. I wasn’t really paying attention because a certain, impatient bumble bee was eying my bent over beehind(sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

After taking Ms. Monarch’s picture, I bustled on over to Mr. Bumble Bee’s residence. He was buzzed(that’s pissed in Bee if you’re wondering) and it was rather obvious, but he still offered me a thimble of honey. It tasted a lot like sunshine, which is very good by the way. If you’ve never sampled it, you should take a side trip to the Sun sometime in the near future. The sun itself is a sight to see. But anyway, he buzzed some directions at me and I did strictly as I was told, afraid that if I did anything other than instructed, I would be screeching in agony while I smashed the hell out of one temperamental bee. And with a quick “click”, mine and Mr. Bumble Bee’s short acquaintance came to end.

As I strode away from the lot of Sun Flower condominiums, I scratched my head thinking nothing weirder could possibly happen. But as I usually am, I was sadly mistaken.

One of the, I’ll call them houses, stretched out in front of my path, and asked for a word with me. I obliged, for I had never had a house talk to me before.

“Before you go,” the sun flower condominium said, “take a picture of me.”

“A picture of you?”

“Yes. Would that be a problem?”

“Well, no . . . it’s just that I’ve never been propositioned by a house is all. It’s a first.”

“Ah . . .”

“May I ask why?”

And her answer was this.

“I am more beautiful and complex than that of my tenants, but you must get close to see. I am not a single flower, but a thousand flowers that create one.”

And with another simple “click”, I continued along the path and crested the hill.

She left the land of eternal bliss so that she may come down and savor this.

“Earth is beautiful from a distance,” she had said, “but nothing compares to being there.”

But that was years ago, as you can see. Long before the forest she loved was hacked to bits and made into some firewood. Long before the animals that roamed far and wide to find her perished from this earth forever more. Long before man ever learned her name, and now forgotten it.

But still she sits atop her stone fountain in the opening of the wood that she found ever so intriguing those many years ago. The hands of time have caressed her and eroded her beauty and her grace, but never will she complain.

Upon her chipped finger a robin will forever perch and together they will sing a sweet, sad song filled with infinite silence and untold wisdom.

And no matter what happens to this place, she will always see in it its original beauty, the beauty that tempted her from the land of eternal bliss all those many years ago.

He is the Infamous Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp, and I, Maniac Gone Awry, found him!

For days, I trudged through the swamp, upturning rocks and trees, stopping only to ask the wildlife where I might found the Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp.

Few new where to direct me. Others dare speak his name. But one brave soul spoke loudly.

“Lady, he is over there!”

Turning ever so slowly to the right, I looked, and BEHOLD!!! There he sat! Amongst the green I would have never seen him. He cocked his head and looked at me, a smirk lingering on his face.

“You have found me Maniac Gone Awry, although I have tried valiantly to avoid you these past several days,  Since you have found me, I shall grant you two wishes.”

“Two wishes?”

“What do I look like, a genie?”

“Well, no, not really, but two wishes? That’s a little bit cheap, don’t you think?”

“Maniac, your first wish. I do not have all day.”

“Fine, I wish for three wishes.”

“Granted, you have two more.”

“Oh, you cheap bastard.”

“Was that a wish?”

“No! That was not a wish!!”

“Second wish then, Maniac.”

“I wish to be sane.”

“I’m sorry, no wish can grant that. You are too much of a maniac. Third wish.”

“Third wish? You said it could not be granted.”

“Well, I didn’t know that until I tried to grant it.”

“You cheap bastard.”

“Was that another wish?”

“No! Do you not listen??”

“Very carefully, Maniac.”

“Alright, my third and final wish . . . I wish . . . I don’t know, what would you wish?”

“Hmmm, for you Maniac, I would wish that Mork and Mindy would come on for another season.”

“That’s brilliant! Yes, that is what I wish.”

“Granted.”

And like that he vanished into the green foliage, and I never found him again.

As for Mork and Mindy, Nick at Nite followed through. Reruns, but another season.

That cheap bastard.

It is popular belief, or rather a popular fact, that Kudzu was a gift from the Japanese to stop erosion, but as you can clearly see here, the Japanese simply had a long term plan. One of my sources said it went something like this:

“The American’s are far too lazy, and stupid – the Kudzu will get them eventually – and when it does – America is ours.” [Insert Insane Laughter]

Or maybe, just maybe, it is just nature slowly exacting its toll, one poor bench at a time. As you can tell, the pretty bench is losing the battle to the forever feared Japanese War Plant – Kudzu.

Word to the wise – don’t sit anywhere too long or else the Kudzu will creep up behind you and take its wicked revenge out on your sad, poor soul.

***This message has been edited due to strong language that may have been offensive to some.***

To quote the beautiful flower:

“For all who believe that beauty is perfection, screw you, and your fat, ugly mother too!”

Go ahead. Gasp. The pretty flower shocked me too. Who would have guessed he/she had such an attitude?

I surely wouldn’t have.

In a valiant attempt to create world peace, Chief Keppezoff of the Green Grass Glades tribe spoke loudly unto his people,(for they were fighting among themselves at said given moment), “When all else fails – build fence!”

The tribesmen, startled by such insight and wisdom, dropped their pick axes, walked into the forest that they could not see for the trees, and proceeded to collect the timber that would undoubtedly fix all their and the world’s problems.

And we all know why of course. Fences Make Good Neighbors. At least according to the famed Robert Frost they do. But as Chief Keppezoff later told me, it was him that gave Frost the idea that later turned into the poem we’ve all heard a gazillion times. How Frost ever came across Chief Keppezoff is beyond me. I guess poets just like to walk.

Well, as you can imagine, thinking all of this such a novel idea, I just had to travel and meet with this great Chiefton, and find out if he had any other phrases of wisdom to share with the world. As you can tell by looking out your window, (Go ahead, take a peek.) the world is in some need of some help.

After arriving, and going through all of the welcome ceremonies (it took 5 days) the Chiefton and I sat down and had a little chat.

Chief Keppezoff: World peace not yet solved.
Maniac Gone Awry: No. Not yet, sir.
CK: I have better idea.
MGA: What is that, sir?
CK: Trees!
MGA: Trees, sir?
CK: Trees stop violence! Make people happy!

And as you can expect, at that great burst of insight and wisdom, all the tribesmen ceased the building of their millionth fence and began preparing the soil for the forest they had long since harvested and could no longer see.

Morale of the story you ask?

Get lost in a forest, and you will die a happy man or woman?

Your guess is a good as mine.

I just interview the crazy loons. Don’t shoot the writer.

Though the days of ancient Egyptians have passed, their pyramids still amaze our simple minds.

Hail, to the sun god Ra.

Though the days of the ancient Mayans have passed, their knowledge and their calender still baffle, but intrigue us.

When will the world end?

Though the days of modern man have come and gone, their architecture still stands upon on our lands. They are a symbol of a past we will never truly understand, like all of the great civilizations before us.

Will we be the last?

As I was tromping through the rain forest in Costa Rica last week, I came upon this very beautiful snake. Luckily, being fluent in Snake after my 4 year stint in the University of Hell, we were able to have quite a chat. I sat down under his tree and poured us both a glass of tea.

Maniac Gone Awry: So, what’s going on, Mr. Snake?
Snake: Nuttin much, just hanging around mon.
MGA: Do you always speak in a Jamaican accent?
Snake: As a matter a fact I do. That be where I from.
MGA: Well, how in the world did you end up here?
Snake: Hopped aboard a sailing ship, I did. Brought along my family for some travelin.
MGA: So you are just here on vacation?
Snake: Sure be! Beautiful ain’t it?
MGA: Very beautiful indeed. May I meet your family?
Snake: No, no, mon. They a shy bunch. Don’t like meetin no stranger you know.
MGA: I understand. So where will you be going next?
Snake: Can’t say I know. Maybe Brazil. Africa. Where you from, mon?
MGA: Columbia, South Carolina.
Snake: Can I hitch a ride with ya?
MGA: I’d say sure, but the only place for you would be the Zoo.
Snake: The ZOO???!!! Why I NEVER!!

And that was pretty much how our conversation ended. Mr. Snake was too worked up, couldn’t talk no more, so he slithered away. And I never met his wonderful family.