Using a public bathroom in China can be unlike any other bathroom experience you’ll ever have.  You never know what you might see or how extreme the smells will be when you walk in.  Yeah, I know, US public bathrooms can be pretty wretched, too, but I believe that a good many bathrooms in China would easily win a gold medal if there was a dirty bathroom competition in the Olympics.   In one bathroom in Yi Shui, Shandong, as I squatted in one of the scarier ones I’ve seen, unknown water steadily dripped on me from high above.  I pray, even to this day, that is was just a leaky pipe connected to a second floor sink and not something more . . . vomit inducing.

In one particular bathroom that Phil visited, there a was plaque placed above the urinal.  It wanted to remind him that a cleaner bathroom was indeed possible, but he had to play his part.

I’ve never walked into a men’s bathroom in China, but Phil has told me that he is convinced that the male population in China, more so than the US, just don’t know how to aim.  And apparently, according to many of my male friends, it hard to pee in any sort of privacy in some of the smaller Chinese cities.  They’ve told me many stories of other men checking them out and commenting just how  . . . hrm . . . how to put this delicately . . . big they were.  Thankfully, that sort of story only happens in bar bathrooms after everyone has had one too many.

I don’t want to make it seem like girls don’t need some instruction, too.  Instead of plaques, we get bad English poetry.  If the boys have a bad time aiming, then the girls have issues remembering how to flush.  I guess that is why the reminder was taped to my stall wall.

Okay, well that is enough bathroom humor for today.   Just remember to aim and/or flush, and the world will be a cleaner, if not more fragrant place.

There is no use in apologizing, so I’m not even going to try.  Let’s face it.  I suck at blogging.

I will however play the blame game.  The internet here just blows.  Some days it works and other days, well, it doesn’t.  What is a blogger to do?

Well, tomorrow is our last day and then it is VACATION TIME!!  A whole two months worth.  Why can’t we have awesome vacations like that in the States?  Oh, wait, we do, but you have to be teacher.  Hrm.  I suppose possibly being knifed or shot could almost be worth two months of vacation, but not quite.  🙂

Our vacation is going to go something like this:

Linyi to Shanghai – Stay in Shanghai for 3 days, possibly see the Expo, get some good food.

Shanghai to Hangzhou – Spend a few days in Hangzhou, reminisce, eat some Dairy Queen.  Yum.

Hangzhou to Fuyang – Hang out with our good friend Jin for a few days and reminisce some more.  I am sure Fuyang has changed a lot since we left.

Fuyang back to Hangzhou – Catch a train or bus to Nanjing and see what Bo and Nashville have been talking about.

Nanjing to Guilin – We have to take a plane.  There is no way I am spending 24 hours on a train, even if it is a few hundred yuan cheaper.  Stay a night or hop on the first bus to Yangshuo.

Guilin to Yangshuo – Relax for a week and take in the sights.  Yanghshuo is mostly definitely the most beautiful place I have ever seen in China. Phil did say he would foot the bill if we stayed longer . . . so who knows how long we will stay.

Yangshuo back to Guilin – Catch a train, bus or plane to Kunming. I hear it is a pretty nice place.  It will be the first time Phil and I have been there.

Kunming to Dali – Once again, I have heard nice things and we have never been there before. It is always nice to adventure and see new places.

If at this point we aren’t completely broke, we may try to make our way to Qingdao, spend a few days there, experience Beer Street and then come back home to ever so wonderful Linyi.  If everything costs what we think it is going to cost, we are going to have to eat rice and noodles and nothing else for an entire month before we get paid again.  🙂

Okay, moving on . . . Last weekend Phil decided it was time to have a new Chinese experience.  So, we went to the massage parlor down the street and while I got a standard oil massage, he got ba guan.  Ba guan is when the chinese take glass cups, light them on fire, and then stick them to your back – 16 of them to be exact.  They suck up your skin and break every blood vessel known to man.  After 5 or 10 minutes, they take them off.  It looks something like this . . .

Since I was getting a massage, I couldn’t take a picture of the glass cups on Phil’s back, but I took a picture of a friend who did it a week or so ago.  It was her first and last time.  I have no idea how she got the courage to do it.  There is no way in a happy hell that I would ever submit to it.

And this is what it looked like after Phil had his little procedure.  It looks likes someone either sucker punched him over and over again or took a purple marker and went to town.

A close up of the damage . . .

And another . . .

I don’t think that Phil will be getting it done again any time soon.  And not because it hurt, at least he said it didn’t, but because he didn’t really feel he benefited from it.  It is supposed to suck out the toxins from your body.  They tell you not to take a shower for 24 hours afterward, but I am not totally sure of the reason.

Oh, and although this has nothing to do with vacation or self-induced pain, I thought I would post it any way.

There is an Australian in our building who has decided to turn the roof into his very own garden/farm.  He recently just added 4 baby chicks that he will either use for eggs or if they suck at that, he’s gonna eat them.  I really hope they are great egg layers.

Here they are . . .

When he tends to the garden, he lets them out of their cage so they can run around.  They run so fast.  He says they are easy to catch and put back, but I don’t know if I believe him.

And the garden . . .

If I have internet connection during our travels, I will try my best to keep whoever it that reads this blog of mine up-to-date.  I can hardly wait.  This vacation is going to be a blast!

We tried getting creative in the office with all of the boxes we’ve received since we got here.  Phil started making a fort around his desk at first, and then it gradually turned into the picture above.  It would be awesome if we could get him to walk and talk and serve us lemonade or beer.  I think I would program it with a stutter.  He needs a better name than Mr. Robot or Office Robot.  If you have a suggestion, let me know.  We also thought about putting a daily thought bubble above his head.  Strangely, my boss hasn’t said anything about it and he has seen it multiple times.  I suppose he just thinks were really strange and would rather not discuss our unusual attempt at humor.  If we get enough boxes, we’ll have to build him a girlfriend.  Or maybe an army of them.  That would be scary.

Hrm.  Nothing all that exciting has been happening lately, at least nothing I have felt was really blog worthy.  I take my camera every where I go, though, and occasionally I will snap a picture of something neat.  The weather has gotten a lot better here in the last few weeks.  It is now umbrella and belly weather.  By that I mean, all the girls have umbrellas with them where ever they go.  They don’t like to get any sun.  The whiter you are the better.  And the men roll up their shirts and show off their big beer bellies for all the world to see.  It’s pretty funny.  I’ll try to get a picture of that soon.

In about a month and some change, Phil and I will get to enjoy a two month vacation.  I know we intend to travel, but I don’t know where yet.  I keep flipping through my guide books, but I haven’t decided on a place or an area.  There are so many interesting places I want to see.  I wish we had a little more money so we could do more, but so is life.  We really want to take a trip to Japan, but the plane tickets are pricey.  And I don’t even want to know how much it would cost to eat, sleep there, and sight see.  I am sure we could afford to go, but there wouldn’t be a lot of money left over to really do anything.  Walking around would be fun, I guess.  We’ll see.

And now for some random pictures.

Cheaper than Pizza Hut.  Not as good, but not bad.

Almost too cute to eat.  Those are red beans for his eyes and nose.

It is strange.  We have a lot of water ways in Linyi, but I never see anyone fishing.  This was the first time I have seen Cormorants here.  I have no idea how they fit four boats into that little truck.

I see a lot of strange things in China, but this just about had me rolling in the streets.

The other night, Phil, Bo, and I decided to take a midnight run to McDonald’s to grab some burgers and hot fudge sundaes.  I had been craving a sundae for at least a week and really wanted to get one.  We probably should have just stayed home and gone to bed because our physicals were the next day and we had to get up at the crack of dawn, but we just could not say no to the American arches.

So, we did what any sensible, hungry American without a car would do; we hailed a taxi.  We had only done this a hundred other times, so we weren’t worried that we wouldn’t make it to our destination.  Linyi only has one McDonald’s and everyone and his brother knows where it is.  Or so we thought.  The first taxi we saw didn’t acknowledge us, but that was fine because another one was right behind it.

The particular cab that we jumped in only had one working head light and the body of the car felt like it was held together by a few strings of imagination. A few snips here and few snips there, and I think we would have had a Flintstones moment.  We all hopped in and told the driver that we wanted to go to Mai Dang Lao.  He repeated our destination and off we went.

Everything started out just fine.  The taxi was going in the right direction and we were getting closer and closer to fast food bliss, but then we noticed that the taxi driver passed the normal turn and then another turn that he could have taken, even though it would have been a little out of the way.  And then we were no where near where we needed to be.  Just as we were about to speak up and say something, the taxi driver did a u-turn and started back the way we came.

Again, the taxi driver passed the normal turn.  We looked down at the taxi meter, saw that it read 20 yuan and decided that if he happened to get us to the golden arches, he was only going to get 10.  The three of us were completely baffled.  We had no idea where he was taking us.  It seemed as though he was taking us back to the school.  Finally, he pulled over  . . . but not next to McDonald’s.  Instead, he brought us to another fast food joint open 24 hours a day – Mr. Lee’s.

This was mind boggling.  Bo, who was sitting up front, repeated our destination, but the taxi driver just stared at him.  Then Bo mentioned the land mark right next to McDonald’s, People’s Square.  The taxi driver perked up and repeated People’s Square in Chinese.  He was all smiles, like he finally knew where he was taking us.  If only.

The taxi driver started driving again, but instead of doing a u-turn, he continued down the same road that would take us back to our school.  Within a few minutes, we passed the school’s gates.  At this point, we were pretty pissed off.  This guy was taking us on a joy ride.

I leaned up behind his seat and asked him in Chinese if he knew where we were going.  He didn’t respond.  I asked him again.  Same thing.  I asked him over and over again, every time my voice becoming more serious.  It was as though I wasn’t even there.  Phil started yelling stop in Chinese.  Again, nothing.  I was beginning to get worried, and asked Phil if we should call the police.  Phil began to considerate it an option.

Phil asked Bo to try and get his attention, and finally, the driver pulled the wax out of his ear’s.  He finally seemed to understand that we were rather pissed off and stopped the car.  We weren’t too far from the school, but we were down one of those roads that I only like taking in the day – one that isn’t likely to get a lot of traffic at 12:30 in the morning.   Phil told us to get out, and we didn’t argue.

I think it was pure luck that another taxi showed up as we stepped out.  We frantically waved him down.  As soon as he came to a stop, we jumped in.  We told him where we wanted to go, but he sat and stared at us for a minute.  He was obviously confused with what was going on.

Our crazy taxi driver decided to get out of his car and started yelling at our new driver.  I wish for all the world that I knew what he was saying.  They exchanged a few words, but our taxi didn’t budge.  Our new driver looked over at Phil, who was now in the front seat and said something, God only knows what.  Phil began telling him, with his limited Chinese, what had happened and that the guy standing in front of our taxi was one crazy man.  A few more words were exchanged and the crazy taxi driver walked over to Phil’s window.  Why our driver did what he did next, I don’t know, but it made me very, very nervous.  He rolled down Phil’s window.  The two began exchanging words.  It was pretty obvious what he wanted.  He wanted his 28 yuan.

Phil is a pretty patient fellow, but at this point he was about ready to strangle this guy.  So, he did what any sensible, angry American would do.  He threw a few f-bombs out the window. It’s amazing what a f-bomb will do.   Perhaps sensing that he wasn’t going to win this battle, the crazy taxi guy turned around and headed back to his car.

Phil told our newly acquired taxi driver again where we wanted to go, and off we went.  Ten minutes later, we were sitting at McDonald’s wondering why in the world it hadn’t been that easy it the first place.

For some reason, we thought this was one of the scariest elevator doors that we had ever seen and insisted on getting it on video. I will admit that while it just looks like an elevator on video, it was rather terrifying in person. Having no real light in our hallway may have contributed, but it could have just been the rickety sound of the door opening. Who knows. I just know it was frightening getting on and off the elevator every day.

If you can’t tell, I’m having a horrible time coming up with stuff to either post or write about.  I’ll work on posting something more real next time.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-e6leONmJc[/youtube]

I thought of a hundred different ways to make an eloquent and interesting post about what I could actually do with a B.A. in English, but I’m pretty sure the following video sums it up rather well.

The only thing I really have to say is this: My adviser failed me.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CH6PTamLIlE[/youtube]

Here is a video of Quantum chasing after what I can only assume he thinks is a bird.  Make sure to turn up your volume, so that you can hear the adorable sounds he makes.

In other Sugar Glider news, Countess is expecting some babies!  I think she is having twins.  I tried to get a picture of them the other night, but Countess wanted nothing of it!  Phil and I have no idea what we are going to do with them or if we are going to neuter Quantum.  As cute as babies are, I don’t think we can handle a farm of Sugar Gliders in Phil’s 1200 sq foot apartment.  🙂

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UrbU94rzFU[/youtube]

I decided to check the in-box of my old Yahoo Mail account the other day.  I check it every now and again to see if anyone may have sent an email there instead of to my new Gmail account.  Apparently, it had been a long while since I last checked it because I had 1126 messages waiting for me when I signed in.  Of the 1126 messages that I sifted through, 1125 of them were spam.  The one email that wasn’t spam had been sent accidentally by Phil many months ago.   Of the remaining 1125 messages that had infiltrated by in-box, one in particular caught my eye.  The title of the message is what made me click on it.  I just couldn’t turn down a part time job in helping eradicate the Native Ninjas.  🙂

Here is the first part of the message.  The rest of it was your normal boring spam message and I won’t bore you with it.  I wish all of my spam emails were as amusing as this one!

HUNGYAN HAOLONG AGRO ALLIED PLASTICS & MOULD CO. LTD
JINGQI ROAD WEST INDUSTRY ZONE HUNGYAN CHINA 31802

Forgive me for intruding on your personal space and microwaving your hamster, especially as we have never met before. Please be aware that I do not want to offer this position to the native ninja’s that are running amok in your country.

The image below wasn’t included in the email, of course, but I wanted to post it anyway. I found it by randomly searching for ninja images.  It made me laugh.

I was taking pictures of the wildlife at a pond not too far from my house the other day when a young boy approached me on his bike.  He looked about five years old – give or take a year.  When he started talking, I thought he was talking to himself, but soon realized he was talking to me.  I know kids can sometimes say some pretty crazy and funny things, but I was totally not expecting what came out of this kid’s mouth.

As he rolled toward me on his training wheels, the kid looks at me and says, “I just got this bike on Sunday, and I’m already a professional.”

I looked at him for a second with a blank expression.  I had to repeat what he said to me a few times.  And then I laughed.

Where does a kid get that sort of language?  Did I say funny things like that when I was five?