Because this story comes from the very beginning of my China adventure, it is a bit fuzzy and a little hard to put into words. It was however, one of the funnier things that happened to me in China, and I will probably never forget it. Just in case this memory falls into the murky depths of my mind and I can’t ever retrieve it, I’m going to put it in to print.

Probably sometime in early September 2006

One night, in Fuyang, a group of us, Phil, Tim, Vanessa, Mayia, and myself, decided to peruse the streets to see what the city had to offer us after eating a dinner of noodles. We decided to start with the street that runs parallel to the Fuchun River. It is a pretty street to walk at night with all the lights of the businesses. In the months to come, we would walk this street often. It was the street that we would take to get to Champion Pizza(千尊比萨), one of our favorite western-like restaurants near the apartment, or to find a bar if the day called for a stiff drink.

We had only been walking for a few minutes when a woman stepped out of one of the bars lining the street. The situation seemed normal at first, but that quickly changed. Almost immediately, she recognized that we weren’t Chinese(not very difficult when there are only 8 or so westerners in a city of 600,000 Chinese) and started running toward us full speed.

It took us a minute to figure out what in the world she was shaking in the air all crazy like as she approached us. Finally, our eyes were able to focus and discovered it was a bundle of roses in her hand. She started in on this spiel that none of us could understand verbally, but her motions were pretty obvious. She wanted us to buy one of her roses really, really bad.

We were very polite and told her we didn’t want one(in Chinese) and then turned to continue on our way. She followed after us as though she had not heard a single word we had just said. After about a block, we realized this woman meant business, and that she wasn’t going to let us get away. We stopped and tried explaining again that we didn’t want the flower(again in Chinese – several times). She persisted. She even tried to put one of the flowers in Phil’s hand. He pushed it back toward her. She pushed back. We attempted to walk away again, this time a little faster, but she continued to follow us.

At this point, we were all laughing hysterically, at least Vanessa, Mayia, and I were. My eyes were even beginning to water. Just so you know, it takes a lot to make me laugh, and even more to make me laugh so hard that tears stream down my face. This was just about one of the funniest things I had ever seen. It’s funny now, just thinking about it, but maybe this is one of those instances where you have to be there to truly understand just how funny something was.

We ran, yes ran, a little ways, and the woman ran after us. Finally, Tim stopped and walked over to her and took one of the roses out of her hand. I thought he was just going to buy one to make her leave us alone – I doubt they were very expensive. Instead, he told her one more time(again in Chinese) that he did not want the flower and placed it on the ground in front of her. Tim turned and started walking toward us. We had made our way down the street by this point, but could still see what was going on.

The woman got very quiet for a second, looked down at the flower, and then bent down to pick it up. As though nothing had just happened, she added the flower to her bundle and started pleading with Tim to buy one again. I was like, “Wow, this woman has some determination!” The tears of laughter were really coming down at this point.

And that is when we decided we just had to run, really run, to get away from the crazy flower lady. Down the street we ran – one block, two block – and she still kept coming after us! I just could not believe it. Finally, somewhere around the third block, the woman stopped. We ran another block or so before we stopped ourselves just in case she caught her breath and decided to come after us some more.

When we finally felt the woman was really gone, we started walking and enjoying the lights and the river view. We laughed the rest of the night and told the story to the rest of our western friends when got home. We made sure to take a different route home, just in case we ran into the crazy flower lady again.

In case you are wondering, the locals had a good laugh as well. They of course knew what the woman was saying, and we could only assume. And that is the story of the crazy flower lady. I hope you enjoyed it.

I usually leave links to blogs I like and visit over to the right, and let my visitors choose if they too want to take a gander. However, today I was perusing those blogs and came across a post that totally made my day. This could be because I can relate to it after my year and three day stint in China(I love saying that), but I think just about anyone can read it and laugh. If you have never been to China, this post paints a perfect picture of just how crazy China can get. And when I say crazy, I don’t mean a bad crazy. It’s the kind of crazy that makes you get up every day because you can never fully expect what the day has in store for you.

This particular post is about Emily having to return a breast pump back to Jusco, a high end retail food store chain in China. Emily is currently living in Qingdao, China with her husband, Joshua, and their baby, Artemis. As I have said many times on this blog, nothing in China is easy. Returning a breast pump, as you can imagine, is no exception. It is funny though. It’s one for the books, that’s for sure. I thank her for sharing.

Well, I don’t want to jibber jabber all day. I’ll let her post do all the talking. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Just follow the links below.

If you want to go directly to the post, click here.

Or if you want to go to the blog, click here. You should at least go to the blog and check it out.

I went to the store yesterday to pick up an ingredient for my Mexican Fiesta dish that I had forgotten to get ealier. While I was going, my brother asked me to pick him up some nuts. He gave me five bucks in quarters, and off I went.

I found my ingredient rather quickly, but as I walked the aisles, I couldn’t find the section of nuts. I was about to ask someone to help me find them, but then I realized that there was no good way to say it.

Think about it. These are the questions I thought about asking one of the young men on duty, but thought it sounded perverted.
1. Excuse me, on which aisle can I find your nuts?

2. Could you please point me to your nuts?

3. Where do you keep your nuts?

4. Could you help me find your nuts?

See what I mean, there aren’t any good ways unless you say the specific nut you are looking for, like peanuts.

It would have been funny to see one of the young men’s face had I been brave enough to ask.

Every so often I get bored and decide to take pictures of myself. I know, I know – how vain of me! Here are the results of my latest session with boredom. They aren’t exciting or anything, but they made me think of the time when I showed this little Chinese kid my eyes in Hangzhou.

Back when we lived in Fuyang, we were invited to go to a food festival by one of Phil’s students. After stuffing ourselves with all sorts a weird, but fantastic food, we were informed that we were going to finish the night by going to a nice restaurant across town. There was no way I was going to be able to eat anything, but Phil and I agreed and promised to eat as much(or as little) as was possible. We thought we were going to be joined by the student’s parents, but neither stayed in the room very long. They were too busy running around the restaurant socializing. They just wanted to give their son ample time to practice his English. In that, they succeeded.

Sometime into the feast(Phil was somehow able to down a rather large portion) another boy entered the room. He was first introduced as the student’s brother, but we later discovered he was just a family friend. I guess he was invited to practice his English with the foreigners. He was shy at first, but before long we had him using what English he knew. We even taught him a few new words and phrases. Somehow or another we got on the conversation of how westerners look different than Chinese.

The boy that had entered the room had never before seen a foreigner’s eyes, so I offered to show him what mine looked like. I stood up and walked to the other side of the table where he was sitting, bent over so that I was at eye level with him, and opened my eyes as wide as I could. It was almost hysterical. The boy jumped out of his chair, nearly knocking it over, as if he had seen a ghost or something. I don’t know exactly what he saw in the depths of my eyes, but he wouldn’t sit back down until I was safely seated in my chair. I couldn’t help but giggle. He acted very similarly when Phil leaned over to show him his blue eyes. I guess he thought all the people in the world had dark eyes up until that moment in time. That would probably freak me out too.

I particularly like how you can see the reflection of the bars of our balcony.

Perhaps this is what the boy saw instead! I’d be pretty freaked out too.

After going over simple present Wh-questions I asked my students if they understood what their brains had just absorbed. Like always, they said yes, even though I knew that they hadn’t fully comprehended it. So, I decide to test their knowledge.

“Emma,” I said, “I want you to think, imagine, pretend that you are wearing a dress. OK?”

“OK,” Emma said.

“Alright. You are wearing a dress. What do you want to wear with the dress?”

She stopped and thought about it.  She even repeated the question a few times to herself, looked to Lisa(the Queen of translating) for possible help, and then finally back to me with apprehension in her eyes.  She cleared her throat and very sure of herself said, “I want to wear Lisa.”

I couldn’t help myself. I started to giggle. Lisa started to giggle because she actually understood what Emma had just said. Monica started to giggle only because the rest of us were even though she had no clue why. Emma sat there for a moment watching us all giggle and then it hit her.

“Oh! No, no, no!” She said emphatically. ” I want to wear a coat! A coat!”

This, on top of them questioning me about homosexuality, totally made my day. Yes, for some strange reason they were very curious about that particular topic.

You are sitting in a blue plastic chair at a desk in a room that you know all too well. On your desk is a pencil with .5 mm lead. It’s the kind you hate because it breaks too easily if you press down too hard. Written on the blue plastic neck of the pencil in black ink is your least favorite number in the world. Two. Specifically, #2.

The room is quiet, except for the steady ticking of the clock positioned on the wall behind you. Every now and again there is a nervous roll of a pencil across a desk from someone sitting behind you. You’d roll your pencil too, but you don’t want to draw any attention from the woman standing behind the podium at the front of the room. It doesn’t even seem like she’s even paying attention, but you know that it’s all an act. Her eyes are trained to see anything and everything that might be deemed suspicious. Years of practice have taught you to remain still and quiet.

The woman, if you haven’t guessed yet, is your teacher and today is test day.

You’ve known about it for a week now and you studied for it, but your anxiety is still running a little high. Tests, well, they just make you squirm. And you’ve heard rumors about this test. A friend of a friend of a friend who knew this one person who dated this one person who took this test a few years back said that it completely made him self destruct. With rumors like that floating around, you have all the right to be just a tad bit nervous. It can’t be that hard, right? It’s just an English exam after all. What is there to be afraid of?

As the clock behind you flips to 9:30 am, the woman behind the desk lays the test face down on your desk. She’s gives you that look that says, “If you cheat, I will personally eat your soul.” You nod in understanding and flip it over.

Before you is the test that you’ve been losing sleep over all weekend.
The test is only one page. One line. One question.

The question is . . .

Why?

“You have until the end of class to finish your test. Good luck.”

*****
Humor me and answer that question for me.

I gave this question as a extra credit to my students on their test today, and they really did self destruct. They had no idea how to answer it.

And finally, a random picture from my collection. This picture comes from the selection I stole from Tim when we met up in Hong Kong.

So, the other day in class, I was telling my students about the party that the school is going to have on May 26th for no other reason than to spend money and to take pictures of students having fun. The school wants to use these pictures to show future students how much fun they can have if they join the program. Hey, I don’t mind the publicity stunt so much. There will be cake, fruit, drinks and a variety of other yummy dishes there as well. It’s a pot luck party. The only reason I’m coming though is for the cake. Heh.

I brought in the invitations, hoping that they(as in the invitations) would speak for themselves, but apparently I over-estimated them(as in my students). Even though their English has improved in the last few weeks and the invitations were written in the simplest English possible – they had a difficult time grasping what it was the little pieces of paper I handed them was telling them to do. Thankfully, one of the four finally got what I was trying to say and translated for me to the others.

“Oh, party,” the three others chimed in like little birds.

I thought it was probably best to then go over the invitations to make sure that they actually knew what they were responsible for and when they were to show up. That took another 10 minutes. 🙂

When I got to the line that said – “All staff, students, and their partners are allowed to attend.” – they all sorta looked at me funny.

“Partner?” They asked. “What does that mean?”

“You know, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband . . .”

“Oh,” Lisa, the brightest of the group said, “Boyfriend.” She pointed across the room. “She has a boyfriend.” She then translated what she said in Chinese and all the rest of the students were clued in.

“Monica, you have a boyfriend?” I asked.

Quiet Monica just nodded her head.

“Are you going to bring him to the party with you?”

Monica shook her head and quietly said, “No. He’s in Wenzhou.”

“Oh, ok. That’s alright. How long have you been dating.”

There was a long pause, as though she had to think about it. Or maybe she was counting in English in her head. ” Six months.”

“Ok, well, what about you, Yuti, do you have a boyfriend?”

Yuti’s eyes got really big for a second and then said almost hysterically, “Who? Me? No. I’m a good girl!”

Somehow, everyone understood that and laughter followed.

I guess that makes Monica a super bad girl then for having a boyfriend for six whole months.

Never a day goes by that one of my students says something that makes me laugh.

The following is a conversation that happened in my Part-Time Advance class this past Sunday morning. I was going over a questionaire in their book and having them discuss their answers.

“So, Jeff, if a foreigner took your picture, would you be A) flattered B) annoyed C) amused D) or none of the above?”

“I would be annoyed.”

Laughter in the classroom. “Why would you be annoyed?”

“Because that is the only word I know.”

More laughter in the room.

Several minutes later . . .

“Alright, number 5, Jeff. If you were walking down the beach with your girlfriend, would you A) hold her hand B) walk arm in arm C) walk close but not touch or D) none of the above?”

“My answer is D – none of the above.”

“OK, Jeff, why?

“Because I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Even more laughter in the classroom.

Funny stuff.

You’ve probably heard the nursery rhyme This Little Piggy, but just in case you haven’t, it goes like this:

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went…
“Wee wee wee” all the way home…

That is what I thought of when I saw this picture in a window of Chinese restaurant:

Chris, our friend in Shenyang, told me that it translated into something like this:

“For you I will sit in the pot.”

I of course found it hysterical and had to take a picture. This little piggy may be willing to be dinner, but he sure as heck doesn’t look very happy about jumping into the pot of boiling water. I don’t think I would be very happy either.

So, maybe the nursery rhyme should go something more like this:

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy went…
“Weep weep weep” til the meat fell off his bones …

Whoa, I was just trying to be creative, I didn’t mean to get all Grimm on everybody. Heh, but it was a little funny . . . if just a little bit.

This story is a wee bit out-dated, but it’s still funny.

I’m really surprised my parents didn’t disown me and write me out of their wills. Thankfully, they are pretty easy going people and forgave their rotten daughter. 🙂 What exactly did I do? I think the picture of the April Fool should be a pretty good indicator.

I love playing jokes on people. It’s part of my nature. My Dad says I must have inherited it from him and possibly his bad humor too(heh, JK Dad), but if that is the case, you would think one jokester would be able to smell the other jokester out before the joke got pulled. In most cases, I think my Dad would have been able too, if I had been standing in front of him. I can’t keep a straight face for nothing. This is one reason why I can never play poker. People can see my bluff from a mile away.

Being in China though, telling practical jokes is a whole different ball game. I’m 7,000 miles away, and there is no way neither my Mom or my Dad could tell simply by my face that I was telling tall tales. The only thing I had to do was make a crazy story seem somewhat believable and let their imaginations do the rest of the work. So, I plopped down in front of my computer, went into my email account and started crafting that which would be my April Fool’s joke of 2007.

It started out fairly simply, but then I would think of something cool to add to it. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I had composed an impressive story that could possible be true if you were crazy enough to believe it. Hehe. I didn’t really think they would fall for it. I thought that at least one of them would see through my elaborate lie. But, no. Apparently, my little story wasn’t quiet crazy enough. They both fell for it.

Hook. Liner. And. Sinker.

Mom and Dad,

I just wanted to email you and let you know how much we love Xiamen. It is wonderful here. The weather is fantastic, although warm, but it reminds me of home. This is probably one of the cleanest cities I have been to since arriving in China besides Hong Kong, of course. The people are very nice and everything is very convenient. Also, I wanted to tell you some really good news that happened yesterday. Phil went to Dell and applied for a job. He found his dream job listed on their site and decided that he couldn’t pass it up. So he went and applied in person. Before he could even walk out the door, the President of Dell came running after him and told him to wait. Phil then went into his office and the President started offering him expensive wine and pricey cigarettes, while telling him how much he loved his application. The President of Dell said he couldn’t let someone with his experience walk out of his office without first offering him a job. The job he was offering had already been given away earlier that day, but the President of Dell said his was a douche bag and that he liked Phil much better. To make a long story short, too late, the President of Dell had the douche bag fired, and had Phil sign a 5 year contract to work for Dell in Xiamen. They are paying him a lot too. A WHOLE LOT! We’re going to be rich! They even offered to pay for our housing and for a driver to get Phil to and from work everyday. Since Phil is making so much money, I can quit working for WECL and start writing all those books I’ve been working on for years. It’s going to be great! So, if you really miss me, and really want to see me, you are going to have to hop on a plane and come see me. Oh, and Dell said they would pay for that too.

And now for the bad news. Yes, there is always bad news with the good news unfortunately. Keep reading.

This has been a horrible, awful, no good, evil . . . . . .

APRIL FOOL’S JOKE!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

You can’t tell me you really believed it!

But the real good news is that we are indeed very happy and the city is super clean. And Xiamen does reminds us of home. I miss and love you both and hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive your daughter. I only did it out of Love!

It was a good one though, wasn’t it?

PS Oh, and I’m pregnant.

PPS APRIL FOOLS!

PPPS The President of Dell says hi . . . Oh, right, we’ve actually never met the guy. I forgot.I’ve got to watch myself now. I just know that my dad is plotting his revenge as I type – and he has a good long year to get me back. My mom though, she’s just sad Dell isn’t really paying her flight over. Heh.