In this darkness I find that I am but a flame that flickers in the wind.

Fragile I am.

Alone I know I am not.

At my core a blistering blue hue burns. My soul.

It encases me. Protects me. But slowly melts from me. It shows my age and reveals stories long forgotten. It is what makes me beautiful and strong.

My life.

In this darkness I find that I am but a flame that flickers in the wind.

She left the land of eternal bliss so that she may come down and savor this.

“Earth is beautiful from a distance,” she had said, “but nothing compares to being there.”

But that was years ago, as you can see. Long before the forest she loved was hacked to bits and made into some firewood. Long before the animals that roamed far and wide to find her perished from this earth forever more. Long before man ever learned her name, and now forgotten it.

But still she sits atop her stone fountain in the opening of the wood that she found ever so intriguing those many years ago. The hands of time have caressed her and eroded her beauty and her grace, but never will she complain.

Upon her chipped finger a robin will forever perch and together they will sing a sweet, sad song filled with infinite silence and untold wisdom.

And no matter what happens to this place, she will always see in it its original beauty, the beauty that tempted her from the land of eternal bliss all those many years ago.

He is the Infamous Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp, and I, Maniac Gone Awry, found him!

For days, I trudged through the swamp, upturning rocks and trees, stopping only to ask the wildlife where I might found the Ladies Lizard of the Audubon Swamp.

Few new where to direct me. Others dare speak his name. But one brave soul spoke loudly.

“Lady, he is over there!”

Turning ever so slowly to the right, I looked, and BEHOLD!!! There he sat! Amongst the green I would have never seen him. He cocked his head and looked at me, a smirk lingering on his face.

“You have found me Maniac Gone Awry, although I have tried valiantly to avoid you these past several days,  Since you have found me, I shall grant you two wishes.”

“Two wishes?”

“What do I look like, a genie?”

“Well, no, not really, but two wishes? That’s a little bit cheap, don’t you think?”

“Maniac, your first wish. I do not have all day.”

“Fine, I wish for three wishes.”

“Granted, you have two more.”

“Oh, you cheap bastard.”

“Was that a wish?”

“No! That was not a wish!!”

“Second wish then, Maniac.”

“I wish to be sane.”

“I’m sorry, no wish can grant that. You are too much of a maniac. Third wish.”

“Third wish? You said it could not be granted.”

“Well, I didn’t know that until I tried to grant it.”

“You cheap bastard.”

“Was that another wish?”

“No! Do you not listen??”

“Very carefully, Maniac.”

“Alright, my third and final wish . . . I wish . . . I don’t know, what would you wish?”

“Hmmm, for you Maniac, I would wish that Mork and Mindy would come on for another season.”

“That’s brilliant! Yes, that is what I wish.”

“Granted.”

And like that he vanished into the green foliage, and I never found him again.

As for Mork and Mindy, Nick at Nite followed through. Reruns, but another season.

That cheap bastard.

It is popular belief, or rather a popular fact, that Kudzu was a gift from the Japanese to stop erosion, but as you can clearly see here, the Japanese simply had a long term plan. One of my sources said it went something like this:

“The American’s are far too lazy, and stupid – the Kudzu will get them eventually – and when it does – America is ours.” [Insert Insane Laughter]

Or maybe, just maybe, it is just nature slowly exacting its toll, one poor bench at a time. As you can tell, the pretty bench is losing the battle to the forever feared Japanese War Plant – Kudzu.

Word to the wise – don’t sit anywhere too long or else the Kudzu will creep up behind you and take its wicked revenge out on your sad, poor soul.

***This message has been edited due to strong language that may have been offensive to some.***

To quote the beautiful flower:

“For all who believe that beauty is perfection, screw you, and your fat, ugly mother too!”

Go ahead. Gasp. The pretty flower shocked me too. Who would have guessed he/she had such an attitude?

I surely wouldn’t have.

I know. I know. I am a very, very bad blogger and I should be ashamed of myself.

And I am.

But I have excuses. Real ones.

Seriously.

Life and my evil job have been hectic. I’ll go into details later, but I’ll tell you that it involves Satan, hundreds of Squirrels, a truck full of chocolate covered pecans, and a bottle of tequila. And well, one very long night.

Leaves you wanting more, doesn’t it? Thought so.

Well, with that I shall leave you. I’ve got to kill Satan, catch my nutty squirrels, who are driving under the influence of tequila whilst driving the truck full of chocolate covered pecans. I don’t believe I will be getting any sleep tonight.

As I was tromping through the rain forest in Costa Rica last week, I came upon this very beautiful snake. Luckily, being fluent in Snake after my 4 year stint in the University of Hell, we were able to have quite a chat. I sat down under his tree and poured us both a glass of tea.

Maniac Gone Awry: So, what’s going on, Mr. Snake?
Snake: Nuttin much, just hanging around mon.
MGA: Do you always speak in a Jamaican accent?
Snake: As a matter a fact I do. That be where I from.
MGA: Well, how in the world did you end up here?
Snake: Hopped aboard a sailing ship, I did. Brought along my family for some travelin.
MGA: So you are just here on vacation?
Snake: Sure be! Beautiful ain’t it?
MGA: Very beautiful indeed. May I meet your family?
Snake: No, no, mon. They a shy bunch. Don’t like meetin no stranger you know.
MGA: I understand. So where will you be going next?
Snake: Can’t say I know. Maybe Brazil. Africa. Where you from, mon?
MGA: Columbia, South Carolina.
Snake: Can I hitch a ride with ya?
MGA: I’d say sure, but the only place for you would be the Zoo.
Snake: The ZOO???!!! Why I NEVER!!

And that was pretty much how our conversation ended. Mr. Snake was too worked up, couldn’t talk no more, so he slithered away. And I never met his wonderful family.

Reporting from Planet Zurgolopia

98% percent of Zurgolopians agree that purple is by far the coolest color in the whole wide world. The other 2% were reported to be sadly color blind. However, they were also reported saying that if they could discern the different colors, they were sure that purple would be their favorite color besides gray, grey, and well, gray.

The cool Zurgolopian glasses were a gift from Sygoat Tymesean, and happen to be a current fad. All the kids love it!! Don’t you??

And for all you wondering about the weather this time a year – well, it’s absolutely fabulous!! Book your vacation today by contacting your local Planet Tourist Office.

Reporting from Planet Zurgolopia
This is a Maniac Gone Awry

Grandma # 1
VS
Grandma # 2

Currently taking bets, ladies and gentlemen.

I just know that I would not like to get in the middle of them.  Or piss them off.  Those stares are brutal.

Grandma #1

Grandma #2

The above picture shows one of the good things that comes of a rainy, muggy day in Columbia. It was awfully pretty; you kinda had to be there to appreciate it. I kept waiting for some big monster to come swimming toward me, but that would have been too cool for Columbia.