And the sole pirate sets sail to the land of the Mysterious and Misplaced. Not knowing the hardships he must face, nor the challenges of the land, without distress, nor fear, he treaded into troublesome waters. He arrived at the land in dismay, but content. He looked at his surroundings: the grey-blue water that encompassed him, the alluring land that lay in front, the mountains sitting hauntingly in the distance, and the sandy floor that stood beneath him. He gazed at the sand, and the intricate pieces of rock destroyed by the ever waking sea. Beside of him he picked up a small twig, and with grace wrote the reason for why he has traveled….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GABE!

-You have been plundered by Captain Phil… savvy?

***This message has been edited due to strong language that may have been offensive to some.***

To quote the beautiful flower:

“For all who believe that beauty is perfection, screw you, and your fat, ugly mother too!”

Go ahead. Gasp. The pretty flower shocked me too. Who would have guessed he/she had such an attitude?

I surely wouldn’t have.

In a valiant attempt to create world peace, Chief Keppezoff of the Green Grass Glades tribe spoke loudly unto his people,(for they were fighting among themselves at said given moment), “When all else fails – build fence!”

The tribesmen, startled by such insight and wisdom, dropped their pick axes, walked into the forest that they could not see for the trees, and proceeded to collect the timber that would undoubtedly fix all their and the world’s problems.

And we all know why of course. Fences Make Good Neighbors. At least according to the famed Robert Frost they do. But as Chief Keppezoff later told me, it was him that gave Frost the idea that later turned into the poem we’ve all heard a gazillion times. How Frost ever came across Chief Keppezoff is beyond me. I guess poets just like to walk.

Well, as you can imagine, thinking all of this such a novel idea, I just had to travel and meet with this great Chiefton, and find out if he had any other phrases of wisdom to share with the world. As you can tell by looking out your window, (Go ahead, take a peek.) the world is in some need of some help.

After arriving, and going through all of the welcome ceremonies (it took 5 days) the Chiefton and I sat down and had a little chat.

Chief Keppezoff: World peace not yet solved.
Maniac Gone Awry: No. Not yet, sir.
CK: I have better idea.
MGA: What is that, sir?
CK: Trees!
MGA: Trees, sir?
CK: Trees stop violence! Make people happy!

And as you can expect, at that great burst of insight and wisdom, all the tribesmen ceased the building of their millionth fence and began preparing the soil for the forest they had long since harvested and could no longer see.

Morale of the story you ask?

Get lost in a forest, and you will die a happy man or woman?

Your guess is a good as mine.

I just interview the crazy loons. Don’t shoot the writer.

I know. I know. I am a very, very bad blogger and I should be ashamed of myself.

And I am.

But I have excuses. Real ones.

Seriously.

Life and my evil job have been hectic. I’ll go into details later, but I’ll tell you that it involves Satan, hundreds of Squirrels, a truck full of chocolate covered pecans, and a bottle of tequila. And well, one very long night.

Leaves you wanting more, doesn’t it? Thought so.

Well, with that I shall leave you. I’ve got to kill Satan, catch my nutty squirrels, who are driving under the influence of tequila whilst driving the truck full of chocolate covered pecans. I don’t believe I will be getting any sleep tonight.

As I was tromping through the rain forest in Costa Rica last week, I came upon this very beautiful snake. Luckily, being fluent in Snake after my 4 year stint in the University of Hell, we were able to have quite a chat. I sat down under his tree and poured us both a glass of tea.

Maniac Gone Awry: So, what’s going on, Mr. Snake?
Snake: Nuttin much, just hanging around mon.
MGA: Do you always speak in a Jamaican accent?
Snake: As a matter a fact I do. That be where I from.
MGA: Well, how in the world did you end up here?
Snake: Hopped aboard a sailing ship, I did. Brought along my family for some travelin.
MGA: So you are just here on vacation?
Snake: Sure be! Beautiful ain’t it?
MGA: Very beautiful indeed. May I meet your family?
Snake: No, no, mon. They a shy bunch. Don’t like meetin no stranger you know.
MGA: I understand. So where will you be going next?
Snake: Can’t say I know. Maybe Brazil. Africa. Where you from, mon?
MGA: Columbia, South Carolina.
Snake: Can I hitch a ride with ya?
MGA: I’d say sure, but the only place for you would be the Zoo.
Snake: The ZOO???!!! Why I NEVER!!

And that was pretty much how our conversation ended. Mr. Snake was too worked up, couldn’t talk no more, so he slithered away. And I never met his wonderful family.

Reporting from Planet Zurgolopia

98% percent of Zurgolopians agree that purple is by far the coolest color in the whole wide world. The other 2% were reported to be sadly color blind. However, they were also reported saying that if they could discern the different colors, they were sure that purple would be their favorite color besides gray, grey, and well, gray.

The cool Zurgolopian glasses were a gift from Sygoat Tymesean, and happen to be a current fad. All the kids love it!! Don’t you??

And for all you wondering about the weather this time a year – well, it’s absolutely fabulous!! Book your vacation today by contacting your local Planet Tourist Office.

Reporting from Planet Zurgolopia
This is a Maniac Gone Awry

Well, they aren’t purple, but anything that can bloom in winter is beautiful.

The Gnomes that showed me to this pretty bush were the most helpful.

They opted not to be photographed, for fear the public might hunt them down and toss them into a zoo.

I respected their wishes, and bid them farewell.

Grandma # 1
VS
Grandma # 2

Currently taking bets, ladies and gentlemen.

I just know that I would not like to get in the middle of them.  Or piss them off.  Those stares are brutal.

Grandma #1

Grandma #2

THE LOOK  . . .

My spoon had misbehaved, so I had to pull it aside and give it a talking to. It promised to never do what it did EVER again. Some spoons never learn. Sigh.