The one thing in life’s instruction booklet that you simply will not find, nor learn, is the forever crucial customs of the Flower Pot Gnomes.

The Flower Pot Gnomes, as you can safely assume, live in flower pots.

One thing that you may not safely assume is that they are all heavily addicted to Sunflower tobacco. Sunflower tobacco you ask? That is what I said when they offered me a pipe full of it.

I came upon them quite unexpectedly, like most of my strange encounters. I was leaving a friends house when I decided to take a look at some flowers blooming by the front door. They were purple and pretty, and I couldn’t deny them. Well, when I bent down to smell the flowers, my nostrils were not engulfed by the sweetness of, well, flowers, but that of what I swore was tobacco. I took another whiff just to make sure, and by golly, that it exactly what it was!! Strange flowers, I thought. I had never come across pretty purple flowers that smelled of tobacco before – and I have smelled lots of pretty purple flowers.

One thing I knew for certain – something must surely be amiss.

And that is when I noticed perfect little rings of smoke rising toward the blue skies coming from beneath a purple petal.

Yes, something most definitely was amiss.

I peered a little closer at the purple flower and brushed it aside. Low and behold, before my very eyes was a gnome sitting atop a tiny mushroom smoking away on a pipe.

“Well, hello there!” I exclaimed. “And who might you be?”

Thankfully, for your sakes, I took one very informative class at the University of Hell on Gnomish. Thankfully.

“Aye!” The Gnome squealed. “Oh, Maniac Gone Awry, it’s just you.”

“You were expecting someone else?”

“Oh, no, I just thought you might stop by sooner. You’ve interviewed every other interesting creature this side of the Mississippi.”

“I’m sorry, I took a sabbatical of sorts.”

“An extended vacation you mean, its been months, Maniac. Are you feeling better?”

“I will be in 15 days.”

“15 days? What happens in 15 days?”

“I quit my day job, and then can go about interviewing and finding interesting creatures like yourself. The world really needs more literature on people like you.”

“Literature? That is a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

“Ok, how about . . .”

“I think your audience will only truly buy this truth as fiction.”

“Fiction!!?? But it’s TRUE!!

“True or not, the people of this Earth are not ready for such ideas.”

“I know, I know. It’s sad. What is a Maniac to do?”

“Do what maniac’s do best Maniac Gone Awry – adventure and tell your tales regardless of the simple minds who will never understand.”

“You are one smart Gnome.”

“I like to think that I am.”

“Well, is there anything you want to say, so that I may relay it to my people?”

There was silence for a while as the Gnome smoked on his pipe and blew smoke rings into the air. He rubbed his beard for a bit and then spoke.

He said, “Well, Maniac, I guess you could report on our love of Sunflower Tobacco.”

“Sunflower Tobacco? I never heard of such thing.”

“I don’t imagine that you have. It is a Gnomish thing. We are very much addicted to it. Would you like to try some,” the Gnome said, raising the black pipe to me.

“Sure,” I replied and took a puff.

It was absolutely wonderful and satisfying. And I would be lying if I didn’t say at that moment I felt as if I could be completely content sitting in a flower pot, smoking Sunflower Tobacco for the rest of my natural life. But then, of course, I wasn’t a Gnome, and I would never fit in flower pot.

“Good, huh?” The Gnome asked.

“Very good.”

“Relaxing, isn’t it?”

“Very.”

“Would you like to come inside and meet the missus?” The Gnome stopped after saying this and then thought better of it. “Well, how about I tell her to come out and meet you.”

“Wonderful,” I said. “But you’ll have to let me take a picture of you two.”

“No problem,” he laughed. No problem at all.”

In a little while, Mr. Gnome’s wife came out from behind a purple flower and said hello. She was the most pleasant Gnome I had ever met. We sat there a while, taking turns puffing on the black pipe and discussed world peace. And then they said something about having to leave and said their goodbyes. But first they struck a pose for me. I thought it turned out to be a very nice picture.

I had a very nice visit, and was glad to have met them.  I tooI had to go, for there were hundreds of creatures that wished to have their say in an interview of their own. And so off I went into the world that only a Maniac could appreciate.